Shyness Guiding the Way to Social Skills

Guiding the Way to Social Skills

Just as some kids seem born to be wild, others are born to be shy. ''Shyness is often a symptom of a cautious temperament, which is hereditary, like blue eyes and curly hair,'' says Jerome Kagan, Ph.D., a leading shyness researcher and professor of psychology at Harvard University in Cambridge, Massachusetts.

''Unless shyness is interfering with your child's life, don't think of it as a problem,'' says Dr. Kagan. ''Many children outgrow their shyness as they have more social experiences. You don't want your child to believe you are disappointed in him.''

But what if shyness has grown to the point where your child is having trouble making friends, is turning down invitations to classmates' parties and never volunteering in class? Then his shyness is a problem that can result in both academic problems and an unhappy social life.

''Shy kids have a hard time asking for help,'' says Lynne Henderson, Ph.D., director of the Palo Alto Shyness Clinic in Menlo Park, California. ''A study of college students found that the shy ones were less likely than their non-shy peers to seek information or use the career placement service. They had a disadvantage that was handicapping their careers.''

The experts agree: If your child's shyness is a real problem, the best time to start intervening is as early as possible. Here are some helpful techniques they recommend.

Don't put a label on it. ''If you label a child as shy, you only see his shy behavior and tune out what is not shy,'' says Dr. Henderson. That affects the child's behavior and also affects your perception of him, she notes. Instead, point out the child's strengths, says Dr. Henderson. ''Focus on the times when a child is being more social, rather than when he's being shy.'' Also, use some descriptive words that accentuate the strong points of his behavior, she suggests. For example, a shy person might be better described as cautious, careful or a deep thinker.

Ask for his feelings. Rather than scolding a child for being shy, reflect back to him in a neutral way what he may be feeling, suggests Dr. Henderson. ''If he's hiding behind your leg instead of playing with his friends, say, 'It seems like you're not sure you want to play right now.' Something like this might be an accurate reflection of the child's experience but not a negative label,'' says Dr. Henderson.

Create safe social encounters. Allow the child to invite a schoolmate over after school. Or let him pay a visit to the home of a child he seems to like. ''The more comfortable social experiences shy children have, the less anxious they become,'' says Dr. Kagan.

Be sociable yourself. '' When your child is little, work on having people in the home,'' says Dr. Henderson. Invite friends for a weekend barbecue or a games night. Have another parent and her child over for lunch. ''This is often difficult in homes where both parents work, but a shy child needs to get used to an environment with other people in it, so it doesn't seem so frightening.''

Stay on standby with your child. For a shy child, large gatherings can be terrifying. ''Don't just walk into a room full of people and leave the child standing there,'' says Dr. Henderson. ''Hold onto the child's hand until she gets established. Wait for her to let go.'' Dr. Henderson recommends that you walk over to another child or a group of children and start talking to them until the child starts talking, too. ''A shy child needs to feel secure and to know you're there if she needs you,'' he notes.

Encourage your child to talk at home. Establish a daily ''good news'' time. At dinner or bedtime, allow your child to share some good news of the day, suggests Dr. Henderson. ''Listen in a nonjudgmental way to what he describes as the high point of his day and then acknowledge his feelings. You might ask what he enjoyed about the experience, but don't load him up with praise. ''This is not a chance to give him an 'A' but a chance to share himself,'' says Dr. Henderson. ''Being listened to and acknowledged with respect helps build self-confidence.''

Follow the child's lead. Don't force your child into situations, says Dr. Kagan. Instead, listen carefully to what he says so you can help steer him toward activities and people he's shown an interest in. '' You're trying for gentle desensitization, and that only works if the child is doing something he really wants to do.''

Add the spice of variety. You never know what activity can spark the interest of a shy child. So be sure to explore the variety of activities available in your community, from swimming lessons to children's theater, suggests Dr. Henderson. This will help you and your child learn where his interests lie. ''It's like food. You provide all the basic food groups and the child then can pick and choose.''

Enlist the help of a teacher. A receptive, empathetic teacher can help lure your shy child out of the corner into the thick of things or pair him with a friendly classmate who is more outgoing, notes Dr. Henderson. Be sure to let the teacher know you're trying to find activities that will help your child feel good about himself. And show your appreciation for the teacher's help. ''If you're really appreciative to a teacher who looks out for your child, she'll do more of it,'' says Dr. Henderson.

Have a dress rehearsal. Novel situations are a nightmare for shy people, because they generally tend to overestimate danger, says Byron Egeland, Ph.D, professor of child development in the Institute of Child Development at the University of Minnesota in Minneapolis. If your child is going to a party, starting in a new classroom or moving to a new neighborhood, talk about what is going to happen and go over some of the things he may see, hear or do, recommends Dr. Egeland. If possible, visit the new neighborhood or school with your child, talk to his new teachers and also have him meet the other children. ''The more you can familiarize your child with a new situation, the less there is to fear,'' he says.

Stay cool, calm and casual. Even if you feel anxiety about a new situation, don't reveal that to your shy child when preparing him for new situations, suggests Dr. Kagan. ''Many parents who were shy themselves are really worried their child will relive their unhappiness. They can get so tense that their anxiety is communicated to the child,'' he notes.

Share your experiences. Since 93 percent of the population acknowledges feeling shy at least once in a while, you no doubt have a story or two to tell about your insecurities. And those stories help a shy child to feel more confident in similar situations.

''Everybody feels shy sometimes. It's the human state,'' says Dr. Henderson. Share the ways you overcame your insecurities, she says. ''Children need to see that this is just part of the everyday human struggle and that you can cope.''

Don't demand perfection. ''One of the problems we frequently have to work on in the shyness clinic is the belief that being good socially somehow means being perfect all the time,'' says Dr. Henderson. Shy children need to find out that they can make friends without being perfect. ''People think they need to act like movie stars,'' he notes. ''But kids need to know that being friendly doesn't mean being perfect.''