Separation Anxiety Parting Without Such Sorrow
SEPARATION ANXIETY Parting without Such Sorrow
For all of us, life is filled with good-byes-sometimes tearful--but none are so poignant as those experienced by our children. At various developmental stages, preschoolers may exhibit what's known as separation anxiety, usually expressed by crying--even screaming--as we leave them at day care, at school or with a babysitter. Separation anxiety is not only normal, it's also a positive sign that your child is attached to you. But there are ways to take some of the pain and tears out of parting.
Let your child know you're always coming back. ''If a mom tells me her child screams every time she leaves, I tell her, ' You don't get away often enough,' '' says Robert Mendelson, M.D., a pediatrician and clinical professor of pediatrics at the Oregon Health Sciences University in Portland. ''A child who screams every time his mother leaves may not be sure she's coming back.'' After several short absences, though, even the most anxious child should get the message that Mommy can leave and come back, too.
Prepare the child. Let your child know you will be leaving, even if it causes a little anticipatory anxiety. It's better than a surprise, says Jay Belsky, Ph.D., professor of human development at Pennsylvania State University in University Park. However, he cautions, don't belabor it. ''Say simply and casually, 'Mommy and Daddy are going out and the babysitter is coming to stay with you.' If you keep talking about it,'' says Dr. Belsky, ''it will sound like you're anxious, too, and you'll communicate that to your child.''
No long goodbyes. ''At the point of departure, make it clean and crisp,'' says Dr. Belsky. ''Standing in the doorway cajoling and explaining is the worst thing you can do because it creates more anxiety. Remind yourself that the distress you see at the point of separation is most likely not going to continue after you are gone.''
Since it's short, make it sweet. Leaving the child with an ''I love you'' and a kiss may be helpful. Dr. Belsky suggests that you tuck a ''kiss'' into the child's pocket as a goodbye ritual.
Acknowledge the child's feelings. Instead of saying, ''Now don't cry'' or ''Don't feel that way''--which betrays your own anxiety over having caused your child distress--acknowledge how the child is feeling and reassure him. ''Say 'I know this is difficult for you, but you're a big boy and I know you can do it,' '' suggests Dr. Belsky. ''Make sure you tell the child that it's okay to feel the way he does.''
Leave something of yourself. Whether you give the child something personal, like a piece of jewelry or article of clothing, or start a project that you promise to finish when you return, you're sending the message ''I am coming back,'' says Dr. Belsky. ''Anything that sends that message, that preserves continuity and preserves the relationship is a good thing.''
Plan some activities. ''For the older child--five or so--it's often helpful to structure the time you're going to be away with games and activities because distraction can help children not obsess on the experience,'' says Sheila Ribordy, Ph.D., a clinical psychologist specializing in children and families and professor of psychology and director of clinical training in the Department of Psychology at De Paul University in Chicago.
Leave them with someone they know. Children feel much more secure with a familiar face than with a strange one. If you're using a new babysitter, ask her to come over at least 45 minutes before you leave. And be sure to sit and talk with the babysitter and your child before you walk out the door, suggests Dr. Belsky. ''Parents should have a nice friendly conversation, maybe do some laughing with this person. Children usually feel that any friend of Mommy's is a friend of theirs."
