Crying How to Still the Sobs

How to Still the Sobs

For most parents, a crying baby is no laughing matter. Many babies cry an hour or more each day, frustrating their parents who know that crying is a baby's only language yet are unable to translate it. When is it hunger? When is it pain? When do those plaintive wails that touch us to our very core mean, ''Come and pick me up''?

What most parents learn in the first three months of a newborn's life is that comforting a crying baby is a matter of trial and error. Eventually, the signals will become clear, as parents get better at guessing what baby wants. But in these early few months, a lot of crying seems to be a general plea for comfort.

Should you always comfort a crying baby? In general, the experts say, a baby under 12 weeks may need frequent holding and cuddling to help him settle down. After three months, babies should be given the opportunity to learn to comfort themselves, or crying may become a habit. Here are a few comforting techniques to try--but results are not guaranteed.

Check for physical causes. ''Make certain nothing is hurting the child,'' says Dena Hofkosh, M.D., assistant professor of pediatrics at the University of Pittsburgh School of Medicine and coordinator of the Infant Development Program at Children's Hospital of Pittsburgh. Look for open diaper pins, scratchy clothing, a crib toy poking your baby in the tummy. Also, look for fever or other symptoms of illness, such as a rash. Did the baby burp after his last feeding? If not, he may be having gas pains.

Try a quick pick-me-up. Some babies cry just because they want to be held, and as long as the baby is under 12 weeks old, you shouldn't hesitate. ''A lot of parents think they'll spoil babies if they pick them up when they cry, but that's just not the case,'' says Dr. Hofkosh. ''A study done at McGill University found that babies who were held more cried less.''

Give daily love pats. Touch your child briefly and gently 50 to 100 times a day even when he doesn't need it. Essentially what you are doing is providing unconditional love and rewarding noncrying behavior at the same time, says Edward Christophersen, Ph.D., clinical psychologist at Children's Mercy Hospital, professor of pediatrics at the University of Missouri--Kansas City School of Medicine, and author of Baby Owner's Manual: What to Expect and How to Survive the First Year.

Tune in to the Fussy Hour. Many babies have a predictable fussy period each day. Although it can occur at any hour, it often comes around dinnertime, when the whole family is home and meal preparations are under way. ''Once you're convinced that's what it is, think of that crying period as an exercise time for your baby,'' says Robert Mendelson, M.D., a pediatrician and clinical professor of pediatrics at Oregon Health Sciences University in Portland. ''It's the baby's way of jogging, burning off the excess energy he has.'' So you might just want to let these crying spells run their course.

Bring on the rhythm and music. ''A lot of babies respond well to a recorded heartbeat,'' says Dr. Mendelson. There's something primal and soothing about the rhythmic thump-thump that was their piped-in sound track for nine months. Playing music can also help: Many crying babies are distracted by George Gershwin's ''Rhapsody in Blue,'' Raffi's ''Baby Beluga'' or anything that happens to be on the radio. Your humming can be very soothing to a fussy child. Even a running vacuum cleaner or clothes dryer can calm him down.

Put them in motion. A walk around the house might soothe your infant. Your baby may also respond to gentle rocking, either in your arms or in a baby swing or cradle. ''For very irritable babies, vertical rocking seems to work,'' she says. Hold the baby on your lap or shoulder and rock up and down gently, applying some pressure to the chest and belly. ''Babies like frontal pressure, which is almost like being tucked into the womb again,'' says Dr. Hofkosh.

Take a ride. For some babies, a drive in the car is like a tranquilizer. When one of her daughters was a baby, Dr. Hofkosh recalls, ''we drove around for an hour-and-a-half in a pouring rainstorm because I couldn't deal with the crying anymore. I figured it was better than sitting home and waiting it out.''

Use a baby carrier. ''Some babies love the close comfort of being held on your chest in a front pack,'' says Dr. Hofkosh. ''Some parents like the backpack, but it may be better if the baby's front is in contact with Mommy or Daddy. It's also convenient. You can get things done with the baby sleeping there. I know I ate many meals with my daughters in a front pack.''

Change positions . . . but not too much. Like the rest of us, babies can get bored or uncomfortable staying in the same position, says Lottie Mendelson, R.N., a pediatric nurse practitioner in Portland, Oregon, and coauthor of The Complete Book of Parenting, with her husband, Robert. Some babies like to be vertical on your shoulder, while others like to peer at the world from your lap. But don't switch too frequently, says Dr. Hofkosh. ''Some babies take a longer time to adapt to a particular position so you need to avoid going quickly from one to the next.'' Give the baby time to figure out whether she feels okay in the new position, advises Mendelson.

Turn down the light and noise. Babies who are easily overstimulated--or those who have had a big day full of strange faces and voices and a lot of handling--may need a little time to decompress, particularly before bed, says Dr. Hofkosh. By turning down the lights and keeping voices low, you can help the overstimulated baby relax.

Don't plug cries with food. ''It's very satisfying for parents who hear a baby cry to be able to do something about it, and feeding is the most primal nurturing activity we can do,'' says Dr. Hofkosh. But she advises against feeding as the first response to a baby's cry. Babies do cry when they're hungry, but that's far from the only reason, notes Dr. Hofkosh. A baby who cries when she's bored will probably stop crying if you nurse or give her a bottle, but you will miss the opportunity to learn what her cries really mean and you'll be training her to think of eating as something you do when you're bored.

As a rule of thumb, says Dr. Hofkosh, most breastfed babies feed every 90 minutes to 2 hours and bottle-fed babies can often wait 2 to 2½ hours between feedings. ''If she cries sooner than that, it makes sense to try other things before offering food again,'' says Dr. Hofkosh.

Take a break. It's almost impossible for parents to remain calm when they have a crying baby on their hands. Every ''wah'' seems to be saying, '' You're a bad parent.'' But you're not a bad parent if you're child is crying, especially if you've done everything you can to console him,'' says Dr. Mendelson. ''A truly fussy baby is often inconsolable, which can drive parents crazy.''

Parents need to make sure they get regular breaks from a fussy baby, he suggests. Arrange to get an hour or two off daily--and possibly an entire afternoon off once a week--leaving the baby with a grandparent or trusted babysitter. And have an occasional evening out with your partner just to recharge.

Remember, this too shall pass. ''Recognize that crying, especially in a challenging baby, is time-limited,'' says Dr. Hofkosh. ''Tell yourself that you can help your baby be okay even though he's the kind who cries all the time. Remind yourself it isn't a personality trait that's going to last forever.''

Give them some time. After a baby is 12 weeks old, you can begin to change your strategy. Rushing to comfort a crying baby or child at the first peep deprives her of a wonderful learning experience, says Dr. Christophersen. If you take care of her every need, she'll never learn how to calm herself, he warns. ''The only way I know to reduce crying is by teaching self-quieting skills,'' he says. So wait a few minutes--how long is dictated by your tolerance for crying--to see if the baby can find a way to quiet herself. If she's not in true discomfort, a baby over the age of about 12 weeks will often distract herself by playing with her feet, sucking her thumb or examining her surroundings rather than screaming for you.

Put your baby to bed awake. Bedtime is often the best time to teach babies how to self-quiet, says Dr. Christophersen. Though there's a real temptation to nurse or rock babies to sleep, parents and babies eventually pay the price of sleepless nights (and cranky next days) because the baby comes to associate nursing or rocking with falling asleep. That may be fine at 8:00 P.M., but it's not such a pleasure at 3:00 A.M. when the baby begins crying for her ''sleeping pill,'' in the form of a long rocking session.

''If a baby nurses before bedtime and gets drowsy, carry her, maybe bounce her around a little, talk to her, change her diaper, wipe her gums and put her to bed,'' says Dr. Christophersen. ''She may go, ' Wah, wah wah,' and then she'll be gone. Best of all, she'll learn how to put herself to sleep. And if you know your baby can self-quiet, you won't feel like you're abandoning her.''

Take your baby out of the crib before he cries. ''A lot of parents use their babies as a snooze alarm,'' says Dr. Christophersen. ''After 12 weeks, many babies who once woke up crying wake up babbling. But their parents don't pick them up until they cry. That teaches the child he has to cry before you'll pick him up. I'd much rather have parents teach children they get picked up for babbling and cooing, not for screaming.''