Temper Tantrums Techniques to Tame the Rage

Techniques to Tame the Rage

It may happen at any time from about 14 months on. Your sweet cuddly baby suddenly becomes a raging monster, throwing a temper tantrum that reminds you of demonic possession. So you may be surprised to learn that temper tantrums are perfectly normal in humans of all ages, according to William Sobesky, Ph.D., assistant clinical professor of psychiatry at the University of Colorado Health Sciences Center and research psychologist at Children's Hospital, both in Denver.

''Everybody has tantrums. We don't ever outgrow them completely. As adults, we just get more subtle about expressing our displeasure,'' says Dr. Sobesky. ''Two-year-olds, on the other hand, are more direct and challenging. They just let it all hang out.''

Your role as parent of a child in his ''terrible twos'' is to teach him to control his rages, to learn some of that subtlety and restraint at which adults are so practiced. While the wild-eyed flailing and screaming that characterizes toddler tantrums usually diminishes--with help--by age three, some children have a more difficult time than others handling their tempers, Dr. Sobesky says.

But here are some techniques that can help you prevent the terrible twos from stretching into the terrible twelves.

Recognize and avoid flash points. Kids are more likely to lash out if they're tired, hungry or feeling rushed. ''If you can predict those times when there will be problems, often you can work around them,'' says Dr. Sobesky.

You may be able to eliminate the dreaded checkout-line tantrums, for example, by not shopping when your child is hungry. A child who throws a fit during the morning ''rush hour'' around the house--when parents are headed for work and older siblings for school--may need to get up a half-hour earlier. ''Know your child's bad times so you can prevent tantrums,'' says Dr. Sobesky.

Intervene early. It's a lot easier to stop a tantrum that's just starting than one in full bloom, says Dr. Sobesky. With young children, distraction often works. ''Get them interested in something else, such as a toy or a game,'' he says. ''Even getting silly or tickling them sometimes works.''

Switch from ''stop'' to ''go.'' Young children are more likely to respond to parental requests to do something--so-called go instructions--than to heed stop requests, says Mark Roberts, Ph.D., professor of psychology at Idaho State University in Pocatello. ''So if your child is yelling and screaming, ask him to come to you instead of asking him to stop screaming. He's more likely to obey,'' says Dr. Roberts.

Name that emotion. A two-year-old may not be able to express in words--or even understand--his feelings of rage. To give him some control over his emotions, you have to give them a name, says Lewis P. Lipsitt, Ph.D., professor of psychology and medical science and founding director of the Child Study Center at Brown University in Providence, Rhode Island.

'' Without making a judgment about his emotions, try reflecting back to the child what he is feeling, such as 'Maybe you're angry because you can't have a cookie,' '' says Dr. Lipsitt. ''Then make it clear that despite his feelings, there are boundaries to his behavior. Tell him, 'Even though you are angry, you must not yell and scream in the store.' '' This helps to teach the child that there are certain situations where such behavior is not permitted.

Tell the truth about consequences. '' With younger children, it's often helpful to explain the consequences of their bad behavior,'' says Dr. Lipsitt. ''Explain things very simply: ' You are acting out of control and we don't allow that here. If you continue, you will have to go to your room.' ''

Call time-out. ''Chair time-outs are the discipline of choice for preschool children,'' says Dr. Roberts. He explains that a child who is having a tantrum should be required to sit on a chair that's next to a wall (away from all entertaining or dangerous objects) for a certain minimum period of time.

''From our research we know that less than one minute is not effective,'' says Dr. Roberts. Usually it takes between two and five minutes for the child to calm down, he says. You should not speak to the child during that time.

When the time is up and the child is calm, explain that his tantrums will not be tolerated. Then give a few suggestions for alternative behavior and allow things to return to normal, says Dr. Roberts.

Send the child to a time-out room. As many parents discover, an out-of-control toddler may not stay in a time-out chair. ''In these situations, a brief, solitary time-out in a separate room can be helpful,'' says Dr. Roberts.

''If the child refuses to stay on the time-out chair, take the child by the arm and put him in his room,'' he suggests. ''Close the door, hold it shut and wait for 60 seconds, listening carefully for 'dangerous' sounds--such as bouncing on the bed--that would require intervention. What usually happens is the child continues his tantrum at the door. After 60 seconds, carefully open the door, march the child back to the time-out chair and tell him to stay there and be quiet.'' You may have to do this three times or more before the child stays on the time-out chair, Dr. Roberts says. If a child aggressively and repeatedly refuses to stay on the chair during time-out, it's time to seek professional counsel, he adds.

Follow through on your warning. Once you tell a child that he'll have to take time-out in his room or in a chair, you must follow through consistently, adds Dr. Roberts. ''Otherwise, it's like the story of the boy who cried wolf. Empty warnings don't accomplish anything. Children tune them out like background music.''

Count to ten (or higher). It's not just the child who needs a time-out.You may need a break, too, especially if you are on the verge of losing control yourself after your child's temper outburst. ''Just tell the child, 'I'm too upset with you right now. I need to settle down before we talk,' '' suggests Dr. Sobesky.

''It's okay to be angry, but not okay to lose your temper,'' he says. '' When parents yell and scream, they're not being good role models for their kids. If you do lose your temper, apologize. Say, 'I'm sorry. That was my anger talking, not me.' Kids are very forgiving.''

Counter fear with love. A child who is having a temper outburst is likely to be frightened by the intensity of his own out-of-control emotions. ''Rage reactions scare the person who is angry,'' says Dr. Lipsitt. ''In the midst of anger, children often feel like hitting--which is a particularly upsetting feeling for an older child.''

The best way to bring these feelings under control is to express your love and concern. ''Tell the child that everything is going to be all right soon,'' says Dr. Lipsitt, ''and that his feelings are natural although not to be desired.''

Conjure up a calm image. A useful tip to try with your child to keep his temper under control is to ask him to imagine something calming or actually, physically cool, says Thomas Olkowski, Ph.D., a clinical psychologist in private practice in Denver.

'' When the parents of one child I worked with tried this approach, the boy came up with a number of images to help him remember to 'keep cool.' Initially, he pictured himself sitting on a block of ice or going outside in a snowstorm. But he finally settled on a stuffed penguin as his imaginary reminder, because penguins always keep their cool.'' If they can't cut it out, help them cut it back. A child who is temperamentally a hothead isn't going to change overnight, but she can make small changes daily, says Dr. Olkowski. ''Let's say your child blows her stack three times a day. Pick a day and work with her to cut those outbursts down from three to two, just to give her a feeling of control. At that point she may think, 'Hey, I've done it once. Maybe I can do it again.' That gives her a sense of accomplishment.''