Jealousy

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Jealousy

Turn Resentment to Your Advantage

Your husband arrives home late one evening to announce that he has a new assistant--a former Miss Texas who shares his appreciation of beef jerky, his enthusiasm for football, his conviction that the Three Stooges were comic geniuses and virtually every other opinion that he voiced to her over lunch.

Admit it: You're jealous--caught by that nasty mix of resentment and helplessness that grabs you by the throat when you fear that you may lose something you value to someone else.

Jealousy is closely related to envy, a mix of inadequacy and anger that torments you when you covet something that someone else has, says Shirley Glass, Ph.D., a clinical psychologist and marital therapist in the Baltimore area.

You are more likely to suffer the slings and arrows of both envy and jealousy--and suffer them deeply--if your self-esteem is on shaky ground, says June Price Tangney, Ph.D., clinical psychologist and associate professor at George Mason University in Fairfax, Virginia, and co-author of Self-Conscious Emotions. But no one is immune.

"These are normal feelings--just like anger and boredom," says Harriet Lerner, Ph.D., a senior staff psychologist at the Menninger Clinic in Topeka, Kansas, and author of The Dance of Intimacy, The Dance of Anger and The Dance of Deception.

THE FEMALE SIDE OF JEALOUSY

What makes us jealous? As a rule, women are more likely than men to feel jealous or envious of relationships, while men are more often tormented by differences in status, income and power.

The big problem with jealousy and envy is that they distract you from the matter at hand--namely your own life. If you are preoccupied with someone else's circumstances, you might not pay sufficient or appropriate attention to enhancing your own, says Dr. Glass.

On the other hand, jealousy and envy do you some good if they motivate you to change--to improve your appearance, learn new skills or work on your self-esteem, says JoAnn Magdoff, Ph.D., a psychotherapist in private practice in New York City.

When To See A Doctor Uncontrolled, jealousy and envy can be so intense and so unrelenting that you need help dealing with them, says Leah J. Dickstein, M.D., professor and associate chair for academic affairs in the Department of Psychiatry and Behavioral Sciences and associate dean for faculty and student advocacy at the University of Louisville School of Medicine and past president of the American Medical Women's Association. Call your local mental health clinic, employee counseling service or therapist if: * Jealousy or envy is interfering with important relationships in your life. * You are so distracted by feelings of envy and jealousy that you can't focus on things that you want to accomplish. * You have been dogged with jealousy and envy most of your life. * You find yourself blaming or threatening people of whom you are jealous or envious. * You avoid venturing out because you are afraid that you'll see things that make you envious or jealous.

Here's what experts have to say about managing jealousy.

Acknowledge your feelings. Denying your feelings is stressful, says Leah J. Dickstein, M.D., professor and associate chair for academic affairs in the Department of Psychiatry and Behavioral Sciences and associate dean for faculty and student advocacy at the University of Louisville School of Medicine and past president of the American Medical Women's Association. Admit to yourself that you're jealous and learn from it. (Interestingly, women seem to find it easier to acknowledge jealousy than men do, according to an Australian study.)

Ask yourself why you're jealous. If your husband, for example, appears to be flirting with a co-worker, says Dr. Magdoff, you may actually be jealous of his relationship with his job, especially if it seems to offer more satisfaction than his relationship with you.

Of course, it's also possible that something may be going on with the woman at the party, says Dr. Glass. If you think so, tell him what you're feeling without making accusations.

Question your assumptions. If your friend gets a raise, don't carry on as though that precludes your getting a raise, too. "All too often, when someone else gets a raise, we act as though there's less possibility that we will receive one," says Dr. Tangney. "But that's a faulty assumption. There are actually very few situations in which that's true."

Turn envy into admiration. "If you envy someone because she has some quality, trait or skill that you don't, use that as a guide," says Dr. Glass. Take steps to cultivate the quality that you admire. If you wish that you could quote poetry, sign up for a poetry course. If you wish that you were slimmer, buy an exercise bike. If you wish that you had better business savvy, take an accounting course.

"Learn from the person who has what you want," says Dr. Dickstein. "You can ask her, 'What did you say in the interview for this job? How did you learn to do this?' Ask for her advice. You can turn someone you envy into an advisor and mentor."