Negativity Upbeat Ways to Brighten An Outlook
NEGATIVITY Upbeat Ways to Brighten an Outlook
Soccer's stupid. I don't want to play.''
''I don't want to go to the party. It's not going to be any fun.''
''I don't see why I have to take math. I'm not going to Harvard.''
''I can't do that.''
Sound familiar? If so, you probably have a child who travels with his or her own personal black cloud. Some children are born looking on the negative side. They're temperamentally slow to warm, uncomfortable with new situations and hesitant to tackle anything for the first time. Many use a negative attitude--''I can't, I won't, I don't''--to avoid all those things that make them anxious or afraid.
Whether it's something they're born with or something they acquire, negative children can benefit from a dose of confidence-building. Here are a few things that can jump-start the building process, according to experts.
Catch your child being positive. Look for what excites him and what makes him feel good about himself, especially if he doesn't seem to notice. Comment on the fact the he's having a good time, suggests Thomas Olkowski, Ph.D., a clinical psychologist in private practice in Denver. ''Chances are these will be times when the child is involved and feeling sure of himself. Once he experiences confidence, he'll be more willing to try other things.''
Don't push. ''Allow your child to go at his own pace,'' says Dr. Olkowski. ''Just keep an eye and ear open to the things he's really interested in and attracted to.'' For example, if your child is glued to the karate championships on '' Wide World of Sports,'' you might want to take him to the nearest karate studio ''just for a look.'' You may have to go back a few times to look some more before suggesting he sign up, but by then he may even ask.
Offer an ''out.'' Often, a child will be more willing to try something if he knows he can bail out when he wants to. ''Just say, 'try it for a little while--for 10 or 15 minutes,' '' suggests James Bozigar, a licensed social worker and coordinator of community relations for the Family Intervention Center at Children's Hospital of Pittsburgh. ''Often, once kids get into something, they find they really enjoy it. But negative kids need to know from the start that the new activity is time-limited.''
Be supportive. Rather than berate your child for being so negative, encourage him to talk about why he feels the way he does, says Lynne Henderson, Ph.D., director of the Palo Alto Shyness Clinic in Menlo Park, California. ''Listen to his feelings and be reassuring and soothing, all the while encouraging him to keep going. Tell him things like, 'Let's just get through this class and see how you feel then.' Even if children don't like an activity, they can feel good about the fact that they finished.''
Have a family story hour. This is the time to talk about how you never wanted to run relays because you were the shortest kid in the freshman class, or about how you got sick to your stomach the morning of the math test because you were the original number bumbler. ''Kids have this false notion that their parents are perfect. They need to hear about what we were like as kids, so they can see that we struggled with the same fears, problems and screw-ups,'' says Dr. Olkowski. ''They need to know that the 'terrible things' happening to them also happened to other people.''
Laugh it up. It helps to laugh at our own mistakes, so our kids learn to laugh, too. One child who felt she couldn't do anything right loved hearing the story of her mother's first job interview: ''At the end of that interview, I got up from my chair, picked up my briefcase and walked into a closet,'' her mother told her. Laughter is often the best medicine for a negative attitude born of fear. ''If we don't take ourselves so seriously, our kids are going to learn they can make mistakes and laugh about them and still regroup and go on with their lives,'' says Dr. Olkowski.
Chart negative behavior. ''Every time negativity occurs, make a note of it and what was going on at the time,'' advises Bozigar. This will help you identify triggering situations. One mother who charted her son's negative behavior discovered that he was resisting attempts to get involved in after-school activities because he preferred spending that time with her. When she made clear plans to spend time with him on weekends, he felt better about staying late at school. Another mother found that her daughter was only negative about the activities in which her older sibling was involved. By planning activities without ''big sister'' around, her daughter was much more willing to participate.
Use a secret signal. Use a thumbs-up or an A-Okay sign to signal your child when you notice he's approaching something positively. This serves two purposes, says Dr. Olkowski. It's a simple, secret way to show your child you're proud of his positive behavior, and it may help you learn something about your child you didn't know. ''I had one mom who came back two weeks later and said about her son, 'I can't get over how many things he was doing right!' ''
Don't label. There's no quicker way to ensure your child will remain negative than to label him that way. ''Most of us follow the adage, if you say my name I'll play the game,'' says Dr. Olkowski. ''If you tell me I have a crummy attitude about things, and that attitude is working for me, then I'm going to continue to have that crummy negative attitude. Focusing on the positive is always more effective with kids.''
