Forgetfulness Measures That Add to Recall
FORGETFULNESS Measures That Add to Recall
Your 2-year-old can't find his blanket. Your 10-year-old can't find his shin guards. Your 12-year-old can't find the phone number of the boy who sits next to her in homeroom. ( '' You know, Mom, the cute one with the leather jacket.'' )
Is there any child left in the universe who remembers anything at all?
''Actually, most kids have pretty good memories,'' says Jeanne Murrone, Ph.D., a clinical psychologist who specializes in working with children and adolescents and staff psychologist at the New York Foundling Hospital, a foster care agency in New York City. So if a child seems to be forgetful on a regular basis, there's probably a good reason for it, she says. For example, she may be totally disorganized or reluctant to take responsibility for her own actions. Some kids who have parents that are overcontrolling may end up being forgetful. And other kids are forgetful because they have overly permissive parents, according to Dr. Murrone.
Of course, some children may simply be absentminded by nature. ''These are the kids who are on their way to becoming absentminded professors, sculptors, painters or musicians,'' says Dr. Murrone. ''They're the ones who simply don't see the world in a logical, linear, step-by-step way.''
Most parents don't want to stifle original thinking or artistic creativity by forcing their children to jump through memory hoops. But since all kids--even twentieth-century Mozarts--do have to function in the real world, they still have to remember to brush their teeth, put their socks in the laundry and not leave their shoes in the middle of the floor.
Whether your child's memory lapses fall into the frequent or sporadic category, there are some steps you can take to enhance recall.
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| When to See the Doctor ''If, in addition to being forgetful, your child seems confused, drowsy, unable to focus or momentarily 'not there,' check with your pediatrician,'' says Daniel Rosenn, M.D., director of children and adolescent outpatient services at McLean Hospital in Belmont, Massachusetts, and an instructor of psychiatry at Harvard Medical School in Boston. These may be signs of a physical problem such as hearing loss or epilepsy, he says. |
Structure your child's day. This does not mean turning your home into a boot camp or regularly posting the day's schedule on your child's bedroom door. What it does mean, according to Dr. Murrone, is providing meals at regular times, sending your child to bed at about the same time every night and insisting that homework and chores be done around the same time every afternoon and evening. ''All children thrive when they have structure and consistency,'' she says. When each day is basically well-scheduled, most kids will then be able to concentrate on the details of their lives--the keys, soccer shoes, bikes and hair ribbons--that are frequently misplaced and forgotten.
Use visual cues. '' Very small children really don't have any idea that they even need to remember anything,'' says Sandra Calvert, Ph.D., associate professor of psychology at Georgetown University in Washington, D.C. ''They just do things.'' But if you can place visual cues in their path to literally prompt them to say things, the chances of getting them to ''remember'' what you want are pretty good.
''If your child always forgets her backpack, for example, put it beside the front door so she'll see it as she runs out,'' says Dr. Calvert. ''Always put it in exactly the same place--don't move it around.'' Eventually picking up her backpack as she goes out the door will become a firmly ingrained habit.
Hand out appreciative '' warm fuzzies.'' Once a child remembers to pick up her backpack, her keys or whatever else it is that you've told her not to forget, says Dr. Calvert, praise her. Let your child know that you are pleased. A '' You remembered!'' with a quick hug and a big smile is far more likely to keep her memory on track in the future than 47 nagging reminders uttered to deaf ears.
''I'm a firm believer that if you love your kids and you ask them to do things appropriate to their age, they'll do whatever they can to please you,'' says Dr. Calvert. ''They want your attention. If they can get it by remembering, they'll be more likely to remember.''
Dr. Murrone agrees. '' When children remember to put their dishes in the dishwasher, for instance, reward them with a word of praise. This is particularly effective with children who tend to forget things because they may not have yet learned to accept responsibility.''
Drop the negative baggage. Kids are also more likely to remember something if you make your request--to take out the dog, feed the goldfish or hang up a coat--in a calm, positive voice, says Daniel Rosenn, M.D., director of children and adolescent outpatient services at McLean Hospital in Belmont, Massachusetts, and an instructor of psychiatry at Harvard Medical School in Boston.
''Kids remember things that make them feel good, and they forget things that make them feel bad,'' he explains. ''If you're angry when you tell your child to go upstairs and make his bed, for example, he may not be able to process what you've said. In fact, he may honestly not even hear what you say.''
''Instead, the child hears your anger. He hears, 'I don't like you,' '' says Dr. Rosenn. And he may be so overwhelmed by the idea that his mom or dad doesn't like him, that whatever request was made in the midst of that horrifying message won't even make it past his eardrums.
When something's too important to forget, underscore it. ''If you want your child to remember something serious, be serious,'' advises Dr. Rosenn. ''Let's say you want him to remember where you've put the spare house key, for example. When you tell him, 'The key will be under the rock by the back door,' say it in a serious voice.
Strike a Balance in Your Parenting Style Unfortunately, when forgetfulness in a child stems from a parent's own behavior, it may be a little harder to remedy, says Jeanne Murrone, Ph.D., a clinical psychologist and staff psychologist at the New York Foundling Hospital, a foster care agency in New York City, who specializes in working with children and adolescents. ''Overcontrolling, authoritarian parents don't give their children enough room to breathe,'' she says. ''The Archie Bunker style of parenting pushes children to go wild and rebel. And one perfect way to rebel is to 'forget' everything parents ask them to do.'' Going to the other extreme in parenting style can also contribute to forgetfulness, adds Dr. Murrone. ''Permissive parents--parents who say ' Well, if everybody else is doing it, I guess you can, too'--may be so flexible that they create a constant state of chaos for the child. And chaos leads to forgetfulness.'' One solution is to develop a parenting style that strikes a balance somewhere between these two extremes, says Dr. Murrone. ''That style, an authoritative style, enables children to function well.'' They get the stability and structure that's frequently lacking in permissive parenting, but they also get some of the freedom and space that's lacking in authoritarian parenting. ''The result,'' she says, ''is a child who tends to be more responsible, organized and less likely to forget.'' |
''But try not to generate any anxiety by adding something like, 'If you forget where it is, you won't be able to get inside, and a kidnapper could come along and get you.' All a child will remember of that message is the kidnapper part.''
Drill it into memory. Practice is also important, according to Dr. Rosenn. ''Take your child outside and show him the rock and the key. Then practice some dry runs,'' he says. Have your child lift the rock, pick up the key, unlock the door, then replace the key under the rock. Remember to praise him when he's finished.
''That will attach good feelings to remembering where the key is,'' says Dr. Rosenn, ''and it will lock the key's location firmly into his memory.
