Fears Tactics to Take the Scare Out

Tactics to Take the Scare Out

The bogeyman. Monsters under the bed. Animal attacks. Being kidnapped. AIDS. At one time or another, your child may be beset by fears such as these.

''As a parent, you should understand that all these fears are normal, but how you react to them can determine whether fears go away, stay around or get worse,'' says Sheila Ribordy, Ph.D., a clinical psychologist specializing in children and families and professor of psychology and director of clinical training in the Department of Psychology at De Paul University in Chicago.

Children may have different fears at different developmental stages. It's not unusual for a child who's been sleeping calmly in a dark room to suddenly, at age five, begin begging for a night-light to keep monsters at bay. ''Common fears among younger children are of imaginary things, like the bogeyman,'' says Dr. Ribordy. ''In spite of our protestations that there aren't any monsters and ghosts, until they're well into school age, children have a capacity to believe there are.

''Older children, on the other hand, often become afraid of things they hear about on T V: environmental contamination, AIDS, kidnappings, abuse. These messages are overwhelming to them emotionally,'' says Dr. Ribordy.

While at times it may seem like a scary world even to adults, it is possible to make it a little less scary for children by following these suggestions.

Help them use their imagination. It's imagination that makes kids picture monsters lurking in the dark or believe that a real, live animal or bug will suddenly attack them. But they can also use their imaginations to beat those fears, says Thomas Olkowski, Ph.D., a clinical psychologist in private practice in Denver.

''Have a child imagine something she's afraid of, such as a dark room or a dog, and then visualize herself entering the dark room or approaching the dog without anything awful happening. She should practice a number of times until she finally feels comfortable,'' Dr. Olkowski suggests.

This can also work with older children whose fears might be based on more realistic concerns such as going to a dance, transferring to a new school or performing in the class play. Imagining themselves going through the steps is something like a rehearsal, he says, and gives them confidence when the real thing comes along.

Get real. After the child has practiced approaching his worst fears in his imagination, help him do it in real life, but in small steps, says Dr. Olkowski. ''Set up situations in which the child feels absolutely in control. If the child is afraid of animals, for example, go to a pet shop, but just look through the window at first.''

Read all about it. Nothing is better than information to help banish fears, both real and imaginary. ''If a child is afraid of spiders and insects, for instance, he can read about them in a book,'' says Dr. Olkowski. Dr. Ribordy gave one young boy who was terrified of lightning a therapeutic homework assignment: ''I sent him to the library to research lightning, as part of a science project. Learning about the phenomenon of lightning has desensitized him. Now he thinks about it in a different way. It's not an ominous, scary thing.''

Offer reassurance. Kids need to be told that they have little to fear from what they fear. This is especially true for older children, says Dr. Ribordy. ''They have very real fears about illness and death. They think, ' What would happen if I lost my Mom? What if I get AIDS?' ''

When a child expresses such fears, you can respond by explaining just how low the probability is of any of those things actually happening to him, she says. ''It also helps to assure your child that it's your job, not hers, to worry about such things,'' according to Dr. Ribordy.

Arm that child with a flashlight. Bedtime may be the time when your child's fears manifest themselves. That's when the hideous creatures of the night supposedly come to terrorize small, defenseless children in their beds. So you need to make your child less defenseless, says Dr. Ribordy.

She recommends giving a child her own flashlight. ''To a child who is afraid of the dark, this symbolizes control,'' she observes. Even if the child doesn't use it, she knows the flashlight is always next to her bed and she can switch it on any time.

Fight monsters with a little magic. Sometimes it helps if you can empower the child in a special way. Barbara Howard, M.D., assistant clinical professor of pediatrics at Duke University Medical Center in Durham, North Carolina, advocates ''monster spray''--a spray bottle containing a harmless substance, like water--for the parent to use at bedtime as a preventive measure to keep any imaginary creatures at bay. '' You can use it once or as often as needed to reassure the child,'' says Dr. Howard.

''I've been criticized for suggesting this, because if you're preparing to 'exorcise' the monsters, doesn't that mean you're saying there actually are monsters? Logically speaking, you shouldn't do it,'' she says. ''But, in fact, it works, because the child thinks the parent is all-powerful and accepts the spray as a potent weapon.''

Deputize teddy. ''Ask the child to pick out a teddy bear or other stuffed animal he feels good about to be his protector,'' suggests says Dr. Olkowski. ''This also gives the child a sense of control over the things he fears, whether they're real or not.''

Monitor TV viewing. ''Be very careful about what your children are watching,'' says Dr. Howard. ''There are a lot of scary things on TV.'' Sitcoms may be fine--but you certainly don't want a fearful child to watch shows that involve bloodshed, intimidation or violence.

Use relaxation exercises. Taking deep breaths or imagining a quiet, safe place can help a child relax and feel less fearful, says Dr. Howard. ''Children are actually better at using these methods than adults. Have your child lie still and imagine herself drifting on a cloud or lying on the beach--something that would be relaxing and fun.''

Set limits. Often, says Dr. Howard, those monsters kids are afraid of arethemselves. ''Nighttime fears especially are symbolic of things going on in their lives. If children's behavior is out of control during the day, they may feel they need protection from monsters at night,'' she says. '' What they need is better structure in their lives and more discipline, by which I mean protection from their own aggression. If they're allowed to hit or to run rampant over their parents, who are supposed to be all-powerful, they're likely to have nighttime fears.'' By taking back control, you can help put those fears at rest.

Tell special bedtime stories. Since most kids are afraid of things they can't control, you should tell bedtime stories about characters who accomplished difficult tasks or overcame their fears, says Dr. Howard. ''Tell stories of how someone mastered things he was afraid of or did something he didn't think he could do. You can tell stories from your own childhood, or read from a book, such as The Little Engine That Could.''

Have a plan. ''Children are reassured by having a plan,'' says Dr. Ribordy. ''For example, we went though a period with my son when he was afraid the house would catch on fire. So we went out and bought a fire escape ladder, and every day for a week we practiced how he would escape in case of fire. He found that very reassuring, and his fear completely went away.''