Dawdling Methods to Get Things Moving

Methods to Get Things Moving

Lisa is 3 and her mother, Katherine, is 33, but at 7:30 every morning, it's Mom who comes closest to having a tantrum. If you've ever tried to get a small child moving in a hurry, you'll empathize with Katherine's struggle.

Frustration isn't a strong enough word to describe what you feel when your preschooler takes a half-hour to find her shoes or your 7-year old can't do his homework because it takes him forever to round up a pencil and paper or your 11-year old makes the whole car pool wait, morning after morning, no matter how many times you've said, ''Today you're leaving on time.''

Yet grown-up tantrums, pleading and nagging aren't the answer, agree the experts. There's usually a message behind the dawdler's molasses-like movements. Figure it out and you're halfway there. Here are some suggestions for coping.

Recognize that it may be normal. ''Dawdling is a normal part of development in young children,'' points out Cynthia Whitham, a licensed clinical social worker and staff therapist at the University of California, Los Angeles, Parent Training Clinic and author of Win the Whining War and Other Skirmishes. ''So sometimes you may just have to relax and accept it. The child's behavior will probably get better as she matures.'' But even older children may need a couple of reminders or an incentive, she notes.

Teach some clock-watching. ''Preschoolers don't have much concept of time, so urging them to get ready because you have to be someplace 'on time' means very little to them,'' says William Womack, M.D., associate professor in the Department of Child Psychiatry at the University of Washington School of Medicine and codirector of the Stress Management Clinic of Children's Hospital and Medical Center, both in Seattle. '' Once kids learn how to tell time in first or second grade, it's easier to get them to do things on time.'' Teaching your child to read the clock--then checking the time together--helps to make her more aware of when you have to get things done.

Only interrupt when you must. ''No one on the planet likes to be interrupted, yet all day long we're interrupting children's play to get them to do things we want them to do,'' notes Whitham. When a child resists being interrupted, we mistakenly call it dawdling. Rather than interrupt suddenly, give your child a ''warning'' announcement, so she knows there's a change-of-activity coming up. For example, you might say, ''In five minutes it will be time to turn off the T V and come to dinner.''

Praise the child who shows stick-to-it-iveness. Whitham suggests parents say, ''Good job!'' when a child does something quickly. Praise anything the child does that is efficient and the opposite of dawdling. By the time a child is nine or ten, he understands the concept of being organized, so you can begin praising him for that. Some children respond well when you say, ''Good planning!''

Use the star system. ''Buy some colored stars and a calendar that contains large boxes,'' suggests Robert R. Butterworth, Ph.D., a Los Angeles­ based clinical psychologist specializing in treating children and adolescents. Then use those stars as awards for prompt behavior, he suggests. ''If your child regularly dawdles over homework, for instance, explain that from now on, for every day he does his homework promptly, he gets a star on the calendar.'' Agree that once he gets a certain number, he'll get a reward, suggests Dr. Butterworth.

Put on a happy face. For preschoolers who can't read yet, draw or cut out pictures of the tasks the child needs to do, suggests Whitham. Then place ''happy face'' stickers on a chart next to tasks that have been completed. ''The positive approach works best,'' she notes.

Give positive attention. A child who drags his feet may actually be getting more attention from his parents for dawdling than he would for being efficient, according to Dr. Butterworth. ''Attention can be either negative or positive,'' he says. ''Children don't look at the type of attention they get, but rather at its intensity.'' In other words, if you say, 'Oh, you came on time,' that's only a three on the attention scale (even though it's positive). But if you yell, 'I'm tired of you always being late,' that's an eight on the attention scale (even though it's negative). ''That's why it's so important to give lots of positive attention,'' says Dr. Butterworth.

Make it clear. ''Find out if your child is having trouble understanding what he's supposed to do,'' says Dr. Butterworth. ''Make your expectations crystal clear.'' With an older child, you can sit down and actually write out a schedule of the week. ''That way, both you and the child know exactly when things need to be accomplished,'' he says.

Avoid labels. ''It's easy for kids to be labeled slowpoke or lazy,'' reminds Whitham. They also ''get labeled'' when you make statements like, '' You're never ready on time'' or '' You're always late.'' These labels can become self-fulfilling, points out Whitham. Instead, treat your child as if you expect him to get things done and to be places on time.

Give one command at a time. Preschoolers can only respond to one command at a time, says Whitham. ''Don't surround your requests by a huge paragraph. Make a short, clear statement ending in a period, such as 'Go get your shoes. Then come back to me, and I'll tell you the next thing.' ''

Make eye contact. Some children become ''immune'' to long-distance commands shouted at them by a far-away parent. Whitham suggests first calling your child to come to you--or going over to your child--rather than yelling a command across the house. Then look directly into her eyes when making your request.

Pace yourself. Whitham suggests that parents look at the pacing of their own lives. ''Are you overworked? Are you a Type-A personality? Are you the one who's always rushing? If so, consider your child's dawdling as a sign thatyou need to slow down,'' she says.

Discuss the upcoming events. Ask a school-age child, '' What's your plan? You have that T V program you enjoy watching and you have this homework assignment. How do you plan to fit everything in?'' According to Whitham, this helps the child take responsibility, and she'll be more motivated to get a task done so she can move on to things she enjoys.

Get ready . . . get set . . . get out the stopwatch. ''Little children get a big kick out of being timed or racing with you,'' says Whitham. When you need your child to get moving quickly, say, ''I'll time you,'' or ''Let's see how fast you can go.'' Use a stopwatch or the second hand of a watch. Be sure to praise success with comments like, '' Wow, ten seconds--was that fast!'' As a last resort, use timing in this way: ''I'm going to count to three, and I want you to run and get your shoes.''