Stress Helping Your Child Cope

Helping Your Child Cope

Stress in kids? Isn't childhood supposed to becarefree? Unfortunately, for most kids it's not.

Far from being an adults-only problem, stress is part of the human condition right from the start. It probably begins the moment we make that perilous journey through the birth canal into the cold, bright and noisy world. Stress may accompany the first step, the first day of school, spelling tests, soccer tryouts and puberty.

''As it is for adults, stress in children is idiosyncratic and individual,'' says Jeanne Murrone, Ph.D., clinical psychologist and staff psychologist at the New York Foundling Hospital, a foster care agency in New York City. ''Not everyone is stressed by the same thing.'' One child may breeze through his school days easily making A's, while another may find the competition so daunting he develops a stomachache or headache just at the sight of a school bus.

And children who feel a lot of stress react in different ways. Some young children may regress to babyish behavior, such as thumb-sucking and bed-wetting. Older children may show symptoms of depression, growing quiet and withdrawn, avoiding friends. Still others become behavior problems--having tantrums or temper outbursts that signal they feel out of control. It's not uncommon for stressed children to develop nervous tics and mannerisms, such as blinking, twitching, hair twirling or frequent swallowing.

Helping your child learn effective ways to cope with stress takes time and patience. Here are a few techniques that may help.

Remember what kid stress feels like. To a 2-year-old who is struggling with separation anxiety, the fact that you're going away for the weekend may be as stressful as a hospital stay. Your 11-year-old daughter who is going to her first dance may have sky-high stress because she's worried she's about to become a middle-school wallflower.

'' What parents perceive as nonstressful may in fact be very stressful for a child,'' says Dr. Murrone. You can help your child through these rough times if you recognize what's happening. If you've forgotten your own childhood struggles, figure that anything kids do for the first time may make them anxious. Try to see the situation from their perspective, so you can understand their stress better, she advises.

Give her time to explain. Like adults, children under stress may need to talk it out. ''Take a few minutes at bedtime and give your child the opportunity to talk about what's bothering him,'' says psychologist Peter Behrens, Ph.D., of the Pennsylvania State University, Allentown campus. ''And don't feel you need to keep up the conversation yourself. Being quiet and simply listening is a prerequisite for getting a child to express his feelings.''

Prepare your child for surprises. ''The less we know about a new situation, the more afraid we are, which is why you need to familiarize children with what's coming,'' says Byron Egeland, Ph.D., professor of child development at the Institute of Child Development at the University of Minnesota in Minneapolis.

For example, a child who is going to have his tonsils out can benefit by visiting the hospital beforehand and learning exactly what is going to happen to him. A child who is moving to a new neighborhood or starting at a new school should be given a chance to see his new home or visit his new classroom in advance.

''The more you communicate beforehand, the less you're going to stress the child,'' says Dr. Murrone. ''If you start springing surprises on children, their anxiety level goes up.''

Explain the time frame. Remember, very young children don't tell time the same way as adults. A child who is afraid she'll never see her mother again may not understand what you mean when you tell her that ''Mommy will be back in three days from her business trip.'' ''Explain things in a way the child can comprehend,'' says Dr. Murrone. ''Tell her 'Mommy will be back in three sleeps.' '' That way she knows how long she'll have to wait.

Don't demand all A's. One of the major stressors in a child's life can be the expectations of his parents, says Thomas Olkowski, Ph.D., a clinical psychologist in private practice in Denver. Often, those expectations need to be lowered to give the child a break.

''One mother I saw was worried that her 6-year-old hadn't chosen an

interest she could enjoy for life,'' says Dr. Olkowski. ''Her concern was that when her daughter applied to the best colleges, she would need to list some unique interests to impress the college recruiter. Here the child was only 6 and the mom was already worried about a decision to be faced at age 18. That kind of thing can be very stressful for a child.''

Let your kid be a kid. ''Today, parents are busier and they're expecting kids to do things to take care of themselves,'' says Dr. Olkowski. '' What often happens is that children are expected to act like little adults. When they can't do that, kids aren't wise enough to question their parents' assumptions, they look to themselves and say, 'I can't do it; what's wrong with me?' They start to feel they aren't capable and life starts to feel out of control for them.'' Children should only be expected to do what they're developmentally able to do, says Dr. Olkowski. ''Kids really need to be kids.''

Hold out your hand. '' Whether it's your toddler struggling with controlling her temper or your preteen concerned about whether he'll fit in at junior high, your children need to know that you're the safe base they can return to if things go wrong,'' says Dr. Egeland. ''Our research has found that the kid who has confidence that his parents will be there if the going gets tough will be the kid who best learns to master his environment. The more supportive the environment, the easier it is for a child to make the transition from dependence to functioning in a more independent fashion.''

How can you ''be there?'' With toddlers and preschoolers, you may want to literally lend a hand. For example, a child who is afraid of the dark or of the strange new nursery school may need to hold onto you for a while until his fear subsides.

''Say, 'I know you're afraid, but I'll help you,' and the child will quickly realize, 'Hey, there's no reason to be afraid,' '' says Dr. Egeland. '' With older children, let them know you have confidence in them, but that you're available to help. Say, 'I know you're frustrated because you're fighting with your friends, but I know you can work it out. If you need me, I'll be here.' ''

Tell what you remember. Share your ups and downs with your kids, and explain how you handled the stresses. ''Tell your child stories from your own childhood about what hurt and embarrassed you,'' suggests Dr. Murrone. ''It will normalize their own experiences.''

Show some stress control. Nothing works better than showing kids the healthy ways you handle stress. When someone cuts in front of you on the crowded highway or when you have too much to do around the house, you can demonstrate that stress doesn't have to ruin your day, or your life.

''Try to balance sources of stress with points of calm and renewal--go for walks, eat good meals, talk with good friends and keep on a schedule,'' says Dr. Murrone. '' When we have balanced lives, we're all able to tolerate stress better. And when we handle stress this way, our children will follow.''

Set reasonable limits on after-school activities. A child who is overenrolled in sports and other extra-curricular activities is a prime candidate for stress. Frequently, there's no fun involved, for either the child or the parent.

''Parents need to step back, put limits on activities and help the child do some things that are fun,'' says Dr. Olkowski. Don't get caught in the trap of '' We paid a lot of money for that clarinet, so you have to stick with the lessons'' if your child would be much happier spending that hour reading in her room.

Try imagery. School-age children can be trained to use imagery to relax. Have the child sit or lie down in a comfortable place. Then ask her to close her eyes and breathe deeply and rhythmically while she imagines a calm, peaceful place.

'' When I do this with kids, I frequently have them come up with a 'secret cue' that they can use later on when they're feeling stressed,'' says Dr. Olkowski. One eight-year-old used the carefree cartoon cat Garfield as his relaxation cue. He put Garfield stickers on the brim of his baseball cap. He could look up whenever he wanted to relax, and the cue would remind him to feel calm.

Build their self-esteem. ''People with good self-esteem look at stressful events as a challenge, not a problem,'' says Dr. Murrone. Help your child find something about herself that makes her feel good. Encourage her to pursue activities where she can experience success.

'' With some kids, especially those who may be uncoordinated or learning-disabled, you may really have to search for activities that she does well. But the activity itself can be simple--as long as it's valued and praised by the parent.

'' You're so reliable, I can count on you every night to help me set the table,'' are words that build self-esteem. Praising the child's accomplishments will help make up for things she can't do so well.

Show your love. Feeling unconditional love from his parents can inoculate a child from some of life's worst stresses. For example, a child who knows he is loved doesn't worry so much about competition, that big school-age stressor. ''After about third grade, kids experience this creeping specter of competitive ranking, which says to them, ' You have to do this to be good, liked or accepted.' Tests or games are sometimes considered matters of life or death, which is simply not the case,'' says Dr. Behrens.

Children need to know they are loved by their parents, no matter how well they do in school or on the playing field. ''Parents can reduce their children's anxiety enormously just by saying, 'You're okay, no matter what,' '' says Dr. Behrens.