Midlife Crisis

Midlife Crisis

It Doesn't Happen
to Everybody

For years you've balanced career and family with the grace of a ballerina. You danced around doubts and pirouetted past problems. But now this choreography seems out of touch with your life.

You suddenly feel old, uncertain and vulnerable: "Who am I?" "Why am I here?" "Where am I going with my life?"

You're questioning career choices, re-evaluating commitments to friends and family, worrying about fading looks and mourning the passage of youth.

Welcome to a midlife crisis--that uncomfortable time when you no longer feel secure about your life as it is, but you can't look backward without regret or look forward without foreboding.

"There are three wake-up calls in midlife. First, you realize that you're not going to live forever. Second, you realize you're never going to be president of the company, or if you are president of the company, you're not enjoying it as much as you thought you would. Finally, you realize your family life doesn't look like 'Ozzie and Harriet,' " says Ross Goldstein, Ph.D., a San Francisco psychologist and author of Fortysomething: Claiming the Power and Passion of Your Midlife Years. "That's the drumbeat of midlife, and the question is, what do you do about it?"

How you cope with those realizations can literally make you feel older or younger than your years, says Leonard Felder, Ph.D., a psychologist in Los Angeles and author of A Fresh Start: How to Let Go of Emotional Baggage and Enjoy Your Life Again.

"Some women become more discouraged because they realize that they've set some goals they're having trouble following through on or made choices they're not comfortable living with," Dr. Felder explains. "But many who go through a midlife crisis get motivated to do what they've always wanted to, and that gives them more energy and a greater sense of being alive."

Beyond the Myths

Although most of us will experience some degree of anxiety and upheaval between the ages of 30 and 60, the average woman doesn't suddenly dash to a fat farm, have plastic surgery, take up belly dancing, buy a fur coat or have an affair with her tennis instructor. Instead of a complete overhaul, midlife for most people is like a minor tune-up, says Gilbert Brim, Ph.D., a social psychologist and director of the John D. and Catherine T. MacArthur Foundation Research Network on Successful Midlife Development, headquartered in Vero Beach, Florida.

So instead of leaving the husband and kids to "find herself," a typical woman in her forties may make a subtle change, such as taking up volunteer work, beginning a fitness program to tone up her aging body or getting her finances in order for the first time, Dr. Goldstein says.

"Most people look at midlife challenges as an opportunity," Dr. Brim says. "They tell us things like 'Yeah, I got fired, but that wasn't a crisis. It was a chance to get a better job' or 'Yes, my mother died, and I miss her, but it was a release of a burden.' "

In fact, only about 10 percent of women go through what we view as a midlife crisis, Dr. Brim says in his book Ambition: How We Manage Success and Failure throughout Our Lives. But researchers suspect as few as half of them suffer severe psychological symptoms such as confusion, anxiety, suidical thoughts, substance abuse and doubts about family choices and career. And of those women, most have had difficulty handling stress and trauma throughout their lives.

"If you had chronic troubles in your relationships or on the job earlier in your life, you're more likely to have trouble dealing with midlife events," Dr. Brim says.

Some psychologists even see similarities between adolescence and midlife. "At both times, everything gets tossed in the air, and you find yourself rebelling against the phase of your life that just occurred. So if you're 16, you don't want to be treated like a 12-year-old. If you are 40 and want to take a leading role in the business, you don't want to be treated like a junior partner. In both instances, you want a new relationship with the people around you," says Edward Monte, Ph.D., director of the Couple and Family Therapy Program at the Crozer Chester Medical Center in Upland, Pennsylvania.

Recognize the Triggers

Unlike adolescence and menopause, midlife crisis isn't believed to be linked to hormonal changes. In fact, at least 40 common stressful midlife events, including death of a parent, divorce and job change, can combine to unleash a crisis, Dr. Brim says. Even fear of menopause and anxiety about approaching old age can transform a mild midlife transition into a crisis, Dr. Monte says. The budding sexuality of your children doesn't help, either.

"If you're a woman in your forties who is noticing the aging process, you might unfortunately buy into the myth that this means a decline in sexual desirability. If in addition you have an adolescent daughter in the throes of discovering her own sexuality, you may experience a dramatic increase in self-doubt and anxiety. It is essential that you separate your own issues from your daughter's. This will enable you to give solid support to your daughter while taking care of yourself," Dr. Monte says.

In addition, because we are taught to question ourselves and to be introspective throughout our lives, women often have midlife traumas earlier than men, he says.

"Women often start having signs of a midlife transition around age 35 or 40, while men may not have any signs of it until they're 45 or 50," Dr. Monte says. "It hits women sooner because from birth they've been taught to acknowledge their feelings, while men are taught to ignore those feelings. So women know when they're unhappy with their lives a lot sooner than men do."

The ever-present ticking of the biological clock is another reason we confront midlife issues before men do. "Women in their late thirties and early forties realize that they're approaching the end of their childbearing years," Dr. Monte says. "They may not be at that point yet, but they sense the opportunity to bear children is escaping them. So often the crisis isn't about youth, career or even sexuality; it's about children."

Damage Control

A midlife transition doesn't occur overnight, and navigating through it can take you years, Dr. Monte says. But if you prepare yourself, you can sail through just fine.

"You can come through midlife feeling better about yourself, more alive and younger in some ways," Dr. Goldstein says. "Midlife is an opportunity to have a new beginning. It's a chance to pursue some of the dreams, passions and hopes you didn't have time to explore at earlier points in your life."

Here are a few ways to avoid a crisis and help you make a smooth midlife transition.

Rediscover the wonder years. What did you like to do as a child? If you had a favorite book when you were young, reread it. If you liked to play field hockey, go to a high school game. "It may sound silly, but it has a real psychological purpose," says Susan Olson, Ph.D., director of psychological services at the Southwest Bariatric Nutrition Center in Tempe, Arizona. "Doing these childlike things will help you realize that you really don't have to mourn your youth because it's still within you to a certain extent. Once you realize that, your energy levels will literally surge."

Get a little help from your friends. Contact your best friend from high school or college, Dr. Olson suggests. "It will rekindle old feelings and bring perspective to your current life," she says. "It may help you realize that you're mourning a time that wasn't as ideal as you once believed."

Do lunch. Take at least one person who you know has been through a midlife crisis to lunch. Ask her which of the urges she resisted and which ones she followed through on and why, Dr. Felder recommends. It may give you some insight into your own situation.

Keep a half-full glass. Think positive, because being older can be neat, says Stanley Teitelbaum, Ph.D., a clinical psychologist in private practice in New York City. Instead of concentrating on lost energy or sex appeal, consider what you have now that you didn't have at 20, such as a satisfying career, a loving marriage, a supportive family or independence. "Life really does begin at 40 for many people. Yes, you're older, but the things you have now may outweigh or counteract the things you had in the past," he says.

Switch gears. One good way to be a leader, help others and build your self-esteem is to become a role model to others--whether it's a young colleague at work or your own children. A woman who is an editor at a daily newspaper could help a young female reporter polish her writing skills and groom herself for a future management position. "Instead of being the star of the show, why not get satisfaction from helping others shine in the spotlight?" Dr. Teitelbaum says.

Share your feelings. While many women are more comfortable about expressing their feelings than men, it is particularly important to keep the lines of communication open with loved ones during this crucial time, Dr. Monte says. In fact, if you can't articulate what you want from your relationship, you're likely to destroy it.

Arrange a time each week to discuss your feelings in a non-threatening way. If, for example, you fantasize about other men, you might say "I love you, and I'm attracted to my co-worker. It doesn't mean I love you less, but maybe it means something is missing in our relationship. Can we talk about it?" Dr. Monte explains: "The key is to discuss the topic in a way that doesn't cause either of you to panic and think your relationship is doomed."

Say happy birthday to you. So your fortieth birthday is approaching, and you dread it. Don't, Dr. Goldstein says. Instead, embrace the moment. Rituals such as birthdays, anniversaries and class reunions help us unleash feelings, reflect on who we are and where we are going in life. Use these natural pauses to rest, observe the vista, chart or correct your course and move on, he suggests. It's also an excellent time to share feelings and seek the support of family and friends.

Don't panic. "Making impulsive decisions during the midlife almost always ends up creating a bigger mess and, in some cases, disaster," Dr. Felder says. "If you think you need to resolve these midlife issues in the next two weeks, you're not going to get happy solutions. You need a plan that will allow you six months or a year to experiment with new options and that has room in it for you to stumble and fall at least a couple of times."

To get started, take a sheet of paper and divide it into three columns, Dr. Olson suggests. In the first column, list the goals you had as a child, such as "I want to be on the Supreme Court." In the second column, write down which of those goals you should abandon, such as "I'll never be judge." In the last column, list new goals that you'd like to accomplish in the next five years, such as "I'd like to resign from my firm and start my own private practice."