Lowered Sexual Desire

Lowered Sexual Desire

When she was 30, Eleanor Hamilton, Ph.D., asked a woman in her seventies, “At what age does sexual desire stop?” The woman’s eyes twinkled with amusement as she replied, “I’ll let you know.”

Of course, the woman never did. And Dr. Hamilton, a retired sex therapist now in her late eighties, thinks she knows why.

“Her answer surprised me at the time. But now it doesn’t at all. I know full well now that sex can go on until you die,” says Dr. Hamilton of West Linn, Oregon.

In fact, studies suggest that up to 74 percent of married men and 56 percent of married women over age 60 are still sexually active. And, even after age 80, 63 percent of men and 30 percent of women report having intercourse regularly, researchers say.

“One of the unfortunate myths of our society is that older people aren’t sexual and shouldn’t want sex anyway. Well, obviously we are sexual and we do want sex,” Dr. Hamilton says.

But sexual desire is also fragile. “It’s a real blow to your sex drive when you have problems in the bedroom. Failure doesn’t exactly make people want to come back for more,” says Fran Kaiser, M.D., adjunct professor of geriatric medicine at St. Louis University and senior regional medical director for Merck pharmaceuticals, based in Irving, Texas.

Drops in testosterone production and other hormonal changes, for instance, do decrease sex drive and make it more difficult for older men to get and maintain erections. And without the certainty of success, many older men become skittish about sex, Dr. Kaiser says. As for women, menopause triggers a decline in estrogen production. Without estrogen, vaginal lubrication needs some help because the vagina doesn’t get quickly and naturally moistened when foreplay begins. Unless you and your spouse are aware of this, you might attempt intercourse despite vaginal dryness, and that can make the experience painful and, ultimately, less desirable.

Sexual desire also can be derailed by arthritis, heart disease, stroke, osteoporosis, and other ailments associated with aging. “Any chronic disease that causes pain, discomfort, anxiety, or shortness of breath is going to sap your libido. If your body hurts, why would you want to have sex?” Dr. Kaiser asks.

In addition, unreasonable expectations can transform sex into an avoided chore rather than an anticipated pleasure, points out James Semmens, M.D., sex therapist and professor emeritus at the Medical University of South Carolina College of Medicine in Charleston, South Carolina.

“Some older people still think that sex has to be an explosive achievement. If they don’t have orgasms, they feel as if they’ve failed their partners somehow. So they back away from sex altogether. That can place a heavy burden on their relationships,” Dr. Semmens says. “It’s important to keep sex in proper perspective as you age. Your sexual performance may not be the same as it was in your thirties or forties, but it still can be fun, rewarding, and novel as you get older.”

Here are a few ways to keep your sexual flames burning.

Try This First

Broaden your horizons. Sex is about much more than intercourse. Explore new ways to express your sexuality, Dr. Semmens says. Be sure to give each other lots of hugs, kisses, gentle caresses, and other displays of tenderness. Just the physical act of holding hands can be as fulfilling as traditional sexual activity.

“Learning new ways to play in the sexual sandbox is important in later life,” Dr. Semmens says. “Remember, the goal of sex is not always a physical one, it’s emotional, too.”

Other Wise Ways

Let the hands roam within limits. For a few minutes or longer each day, lend your body to your partner, suggests Karen Martin, program coordinator of the sexuality center at Hillside Hospital of Northshore–Long Island Jewish Health System in New Hyde Park, New York. Your partner can touch you in any way that provides pleasure to either of you, but during this time, the breasts and genitals are off limits. That will free your spouse to explore different parts of your body without feeling obligated to arouse you. It can also help you feel good about yourself. If a particular touch, such as running a finger down your back, hurts or bothers you in any way, ask your partner not to do it. Allow enough time for each partner to take turns.

This exercise can be emotionally gratifying and can redefine your sexual feelings for each other, Martin says.

Make it a priority. Upgrade the importance of intimacy, Dr. Semmens suggests. Instead of suppressing your desires until all your daily chores are completed, allow lovemaking to be more spontaneous. If you let the moment pass, fatigue, stress, and other pressures of life will extinguish your passion.

Let life imitate art. Provocative television shows, movies, magazine articles, or novels are wonderful icebreakers for older couples, especially for those who are reluctant to discuss their lack of sexual intimacy, Martin says.

“If you’re watching television together and a sex scene occurs, you might say to your spouse, ‘Gee, that looks like fun. Would you like to try that?’ or ‘You know, if you touched me like that, I would love it.’ You might be surprised by how a simple suggestion like this can spark communication and re-ignite your passion for each other,” Martin says.

Rediscover romance. Remind your spouse of your love, Dr. Hamilton says. Read a poem, write a love letter, take a moonlit walk, scatter rose petals on the bed. Little romantic gestures can have a big impact on sexual desire.

“My husband always brought me my breakfast in bed and, very often, on the tray there was a love letter, a flower, a pretty seashell, or something else that he thought was delightful,” Dr. Hamilton says. “It was those kinds of things that made me desire him all the more.”

Give birth. Plant a garden, build a piece of furniture, make a loaf of bread, paint a landscape, write a novel, or get involved in some other creative activity. It may help rev up your love life, Dr. Hamilton says.

“There is no doubt that creativity and sex are teammates on the vital side of living,” Dr. Hamilton says. “Having someone admire something you’ve done really warms your heart and soul.”

Help Mother Nature with some lubrication. Since vaginal dryness is predictable among older women, you probably need some help with lubrication during sex, Dr. Semmens explains. Use a water-soluble lubricant such as Astroglide, K-Y Jelly, or Lubrin to relieve vaginal dryness and pain.

If there’s pain, explain. Your spouse can’t intuitively know what’s painful for you, so you need to tell each other if something makes you uncomfortable. Be sensitive to your partner’s physical limitations, Dr. Semmens says. Maybe a sexual position that you used to enjoy is now painful for one of you. If so, experiment and find new sexual positions, Dr. Semmens urges.

If necessary, use pillows to support and protect joints while making love. If the man has arthritis, for instance, the woman should sit astride him or lie beside him, supported by pillows. If the man is on top and the woman has arthritis, he should support his weight with his hands and knees, Dr. Semmens suggests. These simple changes can bring pleasure back into your sex life.

Clean up your act. Poor personal hygiene can make sex less appealing, Dr. Semmens says. Bathe, wash your hair, and brush your teeth or clean your dentures, and your spouse will likely be more receptive to your advances.